Originally published in The Commons Journal.
The new year has always been synonymous with one thing: New Year’s resolutions.
Something about the clock turning over feels relieving and exciting all at once. Bringing with it the opportunity for a fresh start, to hit reset on all the challenges, anxieties and experiences of the year prior. And the chance to think – really think – about what we want to achieve this year.
As we put away travel bags and switch out our Birkenstocks for brogues in preparation for the return to work, some are filled with gratitude for the opportunity to hit pause – even just for a little while – and be reminded of why we do what we do, and who we do it for.
For others, the break offers some much-needed clarity. Whether returning to the office feeling reenergised and excited for the year to come. Or, in some cases, not returning at all, having realised your once “dream” job doesn’t feel so dreamy anymore.
Whatever mindset the new year brought you, one thing is for sure: in order to live your best life, you need to first understand who you are and what kind of life you want to live – and this starts with self-reflection.
When it comes to self-reflection, most people will say they know exactly who they are and what they want, but in reality, their perspective is often clouded by societal pressures or coloured by people around them.
Just like a muscle, self-reflection needs to be continually worked at to strengthen it – but as we know, this isn’t always so easy.
To help us better understand the concept of self-reflection, we caught up with life coach and resident QV member, Alex Staples, to talk goal setting, overcoming feelings of self doubt and practical tools to help you cultivate spaces for introspection.
First off, what is self-reflection and what does this look like in practice?
Think of self-reflection as a chance to hold a mirror up to your mind and take a look. Do you like what you see?
One of my favourite ways to self-reflect is in a regular journaling practice. Depending on what you’re after, you can dive straight in on a blank page or make use of some question prompts. Either way, pen and paper beats digital every time.
A few pages of unprompted journaling is great for gathering inspiration first thing in the morning, or downloading your thoughts before switching off. If you have a busy mind, I’d recommend giving it a go.
In contrast, question prompts are a great way to spark reflection on a specific topic. These are really handy if you find that topic hard going. You can think of your own prompts and make a mini-survey, or pinch inspiration from the internet – they’re everywhere!
Why is self-reflection so important?
Not to be totally cliché here, but to answer the big, juicy life questions (Who am I? What do I want? What should I have for dinner??), the opinion you need to spend the most time with is yours.
Getting curious about your behaviours, wants and needs is the first step towards acting like the person you want to become, and where I start with my coaching clients.
Practicing self-reflection has benefits that spill beyond the big stuff and into all areas of life, including stronger communication, better decision making and problem solving, higher confidence and self-esteem, increased motivation and proactivity, greater inclination towards positive self-development.
And when we follow self-reflection up with aligned action, that’s where the magic really happens.
Some people avoid or struggle with self-reflection, why do you think that is?
It’s hard! It’s messy! Self-reflection requires us to wrestle with our shortcomings and go deeper, so our limiting beliefs (I don’t have time! I’m useless!) often prevents us from getting started.
With goal setting, the fear of failure can be really tough to overcome. Consider the cost of inaction: what are you giving up when you choose avoidance?
It can also be helpful to reflect on the reality of your fears. For those that experience this, I recommend checking out Tim Ferriss’ exercise on fear-setting.
It feels like this time of year is filled with endless planning and goal setting which can be quickly overwhelming. How can we hold ourselves accountable to ensure the goals we set actually stick?
Start with this question: how would meeting this goal cast a vote for the person I want to become?
Maybe if you practice yoga four times a week, you cast a vote for being someone who values a clear mind. Or if you place 10 sales calls every day, you cast a vote for being someone who doesn’t give up.
Then, take action. What’s one step that you can take today and another that you can take tomorrow to get started? Use your fresh enthusiasm to gain momentum early.
Keep it in your mind by checking progress regularly (weekly is great). Review at a time where you can focus and plan ahead – I like Fridays (for work) or Sundays (for life).
Next, consider the support you need to reach this goal. How can you incentivise yourself to get there? Would it benefit you to join forces with an accountability buddy? A coach can add massive value here through helping to work through each step and keeping you accountable.
Share what you’re working towards and ask for the support you need. Your mentor could suggest a great approach to hit your stretch sales target. A friend could join you for that jog around the block after work. This works for gaining accountability and some extra insights.
What would you say to people who struggle or doubt their ability to achieve their goals?
As an individual, this is a chance for self-reflection in action. Notice that feeling as it arises, name it and challenge it.
Here’s an example:
You’re in a meeting to come up with ideas for a new project. You have something to float, but think to yourself “oh, Steve will have something better than this, he always does…”
STOP. How do you know that Steve has a better idea this time? He hasn’t spoken yet! While Steve might have brought great things to the table in the past, that doesn’t mean that you don’t too. Please, give yourself a chance.
Remember that everyone (yes, even Steve) experiences their own version of self-doubt and has beliefs that limit their success. The goal here is not to silence that voice completely, but to take it out of the driver’s seat.
On a structural level, this common feeling is often pathologised in women and people of colour as “imposter syndrome”, shifting the onus away from outdated workplace practices and on to individuals. Ruchika Tulshyan and Jodi-Ann Burey brilliantly write about this for the Harvard Business Review not once, but twice.
What are some tools or tips to help us cultivate a space for self-reflection?
There are a variety of methods you can use to create a space for self-reflection, but the first step is actually scheduling in time where you can give your full attention to the task at hand. If you only have 10 minutes, take those 10 minutes!
Once you’ve done this, I recommend changing up your environment. You could head to the park, a cafe, or just go for a walk around the block before settling down in a different nook in your home or office.
I’d also be putting your phone or devices on ‘Do Not Disturb’. This will ensure your time isn’t interrupted or unexpectedly cut short.
Next, get a notebook, pen and highlighter out. As you go, highlight any points that you want to come back to – you can organise those thoughts digitally afterwards.
If it’s exercises you’re looking for, here are a few that you can try out:
Name 30 things that bring you joy (the smaller and more accessible, the better!).
Think: what is one thing you really want to do, but haven’t? What’s holding you back?
Lastly – and this one is a bit heavier – write your own eulogy. What do you want people to say about you when you’re gone?
If you had to offer people one piece of advice for 2022, what would it be?
Please, please, please prioritise the things that bring you joy! You don’t need to “earn it” or wait until you’ve been productive in some other way. As many ways as you can, build joy into your daily life.